Torpedo titties.

It's been like 4 days since I've washed my hair. It's pretty much a grease ball. Seriously, I just wrung it out to make a batch of French fries. Fed about 150 folks

I chopped wood today. My arm muscles ate still jello-y. Which is cool. Bc I think jello is delicious. Yea I chopped wood. Stolen wood. Chopped it with a hatchet. What did I learn?
A. Chopping wood is hard
B. an ax could have been easier
C. Hacking things is a good release of frustration
D. Wear goggles when chopping would, eye splinters are painful
E. jello muscles are not nearly as delicious as actual jello

Lots of lessons.

Netflix iPad update: fail.
It's frozen now. And I told Oli he could watch a Christmas movie in bed but now bastard iPad won't work.

My house is a disaster. Mainly my kitchen. I can't clean it either. My sink doesn't work. Bc husbandry decided to fix the sink. But it's not fixed. So I literally. Literally can't clean it. Not that I would anyway.... Bwahaha!




I'm on etsy now. Under Quinsequin. You should go look me up. And buy some of my sparkley stuff. For real. See that flask? It's pretty amazing. Your mom isn't, but my flask is. Well I dunno, your mom may be amazing, I've never boinked anyone's mom.

I like McDonald's fish sandwiches. Yea. I said it. And I'm not taking it back.

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But in all Seriousness

Laying in my bed just thinking about things and playing with my phone.
What's going thru my head?
Well I'm glad you asked, person who isn't reading this bc nobody reads this:
-still shocked a tornado hit our town, we inspected the damage a little more today, granted it was small it was still a mere two blocks from my house. I could walk to where it is, easily. That's scary. What if it'd been worse? What if what if what if.
-I don't feel to great. My stomach is torn up, and I got that sick tickle in my throat like I'm coming down with something. I don't wanna get sick!
-I'm depressed I won't be home for thanksgiving. We're doing it the day before, which is fine, but I'm still upset. Ill be at work, being jealous of everyone spending the holiday with their families. I just like to have traditions, you know? Something to look forward to, and think back on later with fondness.
-Daniels playing Warcraft again. Uuugggghhhhh. At least it gets him outta my hair, but I have a vendetta against that damn game.
-I'm getting more and more worried about lily, shes getting old, her sight is getting really bad.


Damnit when she dies its gonna be rough. Oli loves that dog, we all dog. Hope it doesn't happen anytime soon. And I hope when it does me or Daniel find her. And figure out how to deal with it. Do we tell him she died? Do we lie to spare his feelings and tell him she went to live on a farm?
-parenting is hard. He's 5 now. I remember when I was five. He's gonna be able to remember everything now. Now it gets real. Things I teach him, the way I act, the way I raise him. I cant just, i dunno, its like when i realized he'll be remembering all this for the rest of his life, i wanna make sure im doing it right. Teaching the right lessons, instilling positive values, make sure he doesnt grow up to be an asshole. Like the whole lily thing. He'll remember her and her death. How do we handle it? Maybe I should start reading parenting books. No, I should just go with Instinct right? Argh. Dilemma after dilemma.


-im tired of blogging. This blog was deep, meaningful, thoughtful and thought provoking. It has exhausted me. Nighty.


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Wine-Oh!

I'm drinking wine now. Trying to convince myself that it's good, even thought every sip grosses me out. I've made a list in my phone of good and bad. The list is short, because that shit is disgusting. It's a tad disturbing that i can down a whole bottle myself, right? I've started with red and only today have had white, it's getting better.



Currently watching Jersey Shore. Why is this shit an hour long now? Thats a lot of guidos. A lot.

They've redone Footloose. This is bad. Very bad. Is Kevin Bacon even in the new one. Bacon is awesome. Both the kind that goes good with eggs and dances in tight ass jeans. Tiiight. Damnit i love some Bacon. Did they only remake that movie because skinny jeans came back in style? Convenient.

Rambling. I know.

I spent too much money at the store today. And it sucks because I know that I needed all of it. I mean when I spend too much and didn't need it, it's one thing and I like it, which seems like the opposite of what it should be right? But if I don't "NEED" the stuff, I get to play with it. If I NEED it I have too utilize it. And it's not as awesome.

None of this makes sense. I realize. You're the loser reading my blog, not me. I just wrote the shit.

Yesterday at work I had 2 eye calls. 2! The one thing that I cringe about and I got two of them. One a baby had a swollen eyelid, swolled it all the way shut, with puss. And then another just had a red eye. It was because of a recent surgery, so not just pinkeye, way more red. Gross red. Like this wine I'm drinking red.
And my eye makeup (which was amazing by the way) was running down my face. Because just looking at these people made my eyes pour.
Enough of that shit. They're watering just thinking about it.

Oliver is in the tub. I'm waiting for him to get done and then it's dexter time. Oh shit dexter. I love me some dexter. And it's weird that i don't think I like him because of his looks, I mean he's good looking and everything, he's nothing miraculous but still hot, anyway.... I like him because he kills people. That's all, stew in that and be disturbed.



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The art of laziness

It's a fact. I am lazy. When I'm not at work, it's at LEAST after 2 pm that I get out of my pjs. I don't make doctors appointments until after 2, I don't take phone calls, texts are rarely returned until then. And why? Because I'm lazy. At this very moment; it's 2:38 in the afternoon. I have yet to get dressed, or put my contacts in, shower--nothing. I am procrastinating even getting up and walking the 5 feet to the bathroom. That is how lazy I am. I feel bad for those of you who "do things". Who wants to take the day off and clean? Or go to the gym? Or grocery shop? Put your pajamas back on, get back in the bed and savor the lazy. I wonder if it's raining? Sounds windy and the sun isn't shining through the blinds as brightly as normal but I'm too lazy to go check. I will have to get up soon and get dressed and at least appear to have done something with my day. So that my husband doesn't think I have spent the ENTIRE day under the covers, but who are we both kidding? He knows! And if not it's only a matter of time before he reads this and finds out. If I were to get something done today the real question would be: what is wrong with you?!

In other news:
Ah! My eyes! My eyyyyyyes!



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It's not fathers day but...

I feel the need to express my pride in my family. My husband is an amazing father. My son Oliver is so lucky. So incredibly lucky to have someone like him for a father. He doesn't even know. But I do. I had a shitty dad. One who ran out on us when I was too young to remember. Had a baby with someone else, never told me, never talked to me again for 18 years when his mother, My grandmother, died. And even after that he still sucked as a parent, we were strangers with nothing more in common than some DNA. I had one parent. I always wondered what it was like to have a dad, a real dad not a dead-beat drunk asshole dad. Was always jealous of those families who had a mother and a father. I don't have to be jealous anymore. I don't have to wonder what it'd be like to have a good dad. I do. I get to experience all the love he gives to my son first hand. Maybe it's better that I missed out on all that father-bonding time. Because now that I'm old enough to understand what this love is all about it makes me feel so good to see. The way he looks at Oliver, the way Oliver looks to him and idolizes him and everything he does. I'm glad we work through our fights. Because raising Oliver as a team is incredible work and we've got a real winner on our hands if we can somehow continue to do this right. Love u Daniel.



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You know that feeling...

You know that feeling like your forgetting something? Or maybe guilt? Or anxious about something? That feeling in your stomach you can't shake but feels like it's eating at u. I have that. Had it since yesterday. Maybe it's because I'm becoming a grown up and realizing certain things will always be what they are no matter how much I don't like them and can't change them. Cryptic? Nobody reads this shit anyway.
Anyway, so it's been a pretty slow day, knock on wood. It started off looking like it was gonna be hell, but it's 10pm and I'm on my third call of the day. Finally relaxing work day! Watched one and a half games of football, I napped during the second half of Auburn. Had a stress dream while I napped.
Dreamed it was Tuesday and we were leaving for a cruise Wednesday, but I was at work, and hadn't packed at all, and hadn't figured out what Oli was gonna do, ad te husband wasn't being helpful at all. So I kept waking up, inception style where I wasn't actually awake ah! Just a mess. What does it mean?! The pit has felt bigger since then too. Really annoying. Maybe I need to be on medication.

I'm in the middle of transporting a patient right now, you can tell how critical it was that he be transported by ambulance too right? Fucking annoying. Actually he has no legs, he is torso, head, and arms. Like a sack of potatoes. And he's sitting straight up. Wouldn't it be hilarious of he fell over? I laugh, but if it happened, I'd probably be in trouble.

That is all for now.

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Feeling shitty

I'm in a crap ass mood. Maybe because it's the night before I go to work for 24 hours and I'm still awake. Maybe it's because I'm PMS-ing and have been for what seems like weeks. Were gonna go with a combination of the two. And probably a few sprinkles of other things along the way. Anyway. I'm awake because I'm on the toilet. You know gotta take care of business. And it's better to get it done in the privacy of my own home where i can take my time and feel no judgement from the beings outside as some awful noises erupt from in here. I say no judgement, I know there's judgement, but shit, I'm married to him, were way past pooping noises, he'll get over it. TRUST ME.

Last couple of days have been somewhat uneventful. The mother in law has left, so my stress level has decreased. Weather's been decent, can't complain there. Work was shit last shift, lots of complaints there. But they pay well so I'll have to deal with it until I win the lottery. Hopefully there will be some good wreck, maybe a bloody motorcycle mess tomorrow for me to clean up. Here's hoping. I've had to go to my happy place a lot at work recently, and have a new respect for the clinically insane. Maybe their lives just sucked so bad, they were always trying to find their happy place and got stuck there. If these shitty transfers keep up at work I'm gonna get stuck in my happy place.
Wanna hear about my happy place? Probably not, but hey, I'll tell ya anyway while I convince this last turd to make it's way out.
I live on the beach. In a big house, big windows facing the ocean in my living room and connected kitchen. Big back porch on the sand, the ocean in my backyard. I sip on coffee, good coffee too. Like 50% Irish cream coffee. Mmm. Oh and my job? I'm a helicopter medic, and when I get a call they just fly up to the backyard/beach to pick me up and off we go. All my calls are exciting, because my company only takes calls that sound serious.

If you don't think that sounds awesome.... Well I don't really care. It's my blog. Blogging is still cool right? Bc I want to be doing the coolest, hippest, latest most awesome thing. Wait it's not cool anymore? Well shit, guess that's the end of my bl

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About damn time

I think it's about time for another installment of this amazing blog. It's been a while and I know all my avid readers are jonesin for an update.

Well football season has begun. And I'm ready for it to end. It's taking over my tv and I gotta watch my shows! The husband is goin tailgate crazy. He wants a tv, and a satellite, and a stripper pole. Come on now Daniel. Calm down.
I won't be going to another game during the day for quite a while. Not after that last one. Holy shit I almost died. For real. I've never. Ever, gotten so hot I've almost passed out. And it gets hot as hell in the back of an ambulance. It was crazy. Crazy bad. I started feeling lightheaded and nauseous and I couldn't see. The worst part of it was I HAD to pull myself together, because there was no way I would have been able to be carried down 56 rows. That's right 56. Probably why I got so hot, we were mere inches from the sun.


I somehow made it down to the cooling area, sat in front of one of those amazing fans and cooled off. We left the game and headed back to the tailgate. Daniel was pretty pissed about it. But I almost died, so he can just shut up. He got to stand around and watch the end of the game. In some random old peoples tailgate.


Now onto more pressing matters. Actually I don't think I have any pressing matters thats why it took so long to make a blog post.

When I have something more interesting to say I'll post again.
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Cruise

Cruising was amazing. Well mostly amazing. Took us over an hour to get through the Rollercoaster-long lines to get through security and onto the ship. We smuggled on at least 1 bottle of rum at the beginning. Successfully. Then after all the standing in lines bullshit we finally got on the ship. We were told to go up to the lido deck and have lunch because our rooms wouldnt be ready for another 30 minutes. Well my arms were tired of carrying all that baggage and I needed a break. So we sat on our luggage by the room till they let us in.
We did a little exploring, went and found some lunch and drinks. And the only free drinks u get are tea and lemonade. So we ended up drinking some concoction of lemonade and rum the whole time.
After lunch, bellies full, thirst satisfied we walked around the deck a little before heading back to our rooms.
We were told there would be a "muster" meeting before disembarkment. Where they showed us how to attach out safety vests. I'm pretty much a genius and watched it on the tv before. So when they came to check our room and make sure we were there, Daniel hid under the bed and I hid in the shower. Why we couldn't just have gone to the meeting, I dont know. I didn't want to. Rebel.

So we cruised.

Besides the nickel and dime-ing us to death it was ok. Daniel wanted to gamble, he did, poorly and when he was ready to get his sad little 10¢ put on his card for credit he was charged a $20 fee just to add it to the card. Missed that fine print! Muthafukas.
Then we got charged a $50 gratuity fee a piece. I wouldn't have minded if I had been getting decent service. In fact it could have saved me lots of money in gratuity, however the service we got didn't warrant $50 a piece. If those people had been working for tips, they could have given me much better service and I'd have lost tons of dough (bc I'm an overtipper). You see what I'm saying here?

Moral of the story if I'm gonna drop lots of money make it worth it! Don't just be a boat to mexico. I think we're gonna try a different cruise-line. Maybe royal Caribbean, disney, or norweigen. We hadn't ever done it before and now we know what to expect. But now were ready for next time.

The boat itself wasn't as fancy as I thought it'd be either, the food wasn't great, the hallways constantly smelled like eggy farts. The room looked old ad small. I knew itd be tiny but damn. And we got a deluxe room!
I've seen elevators that were bigger. It was pretty awesome to have a balcony though. If we wanted privacy between us and the ocean we could go out there for peace. Nobody could see us from our balcony either. We coulda boinked and the only ones who'd have known would be us and the fishes. But we didnt. Much to Daniels dismay. He'll be alright.


Anyway. We finally made it to mexico. Progresso was first. I bought a bunch of crap from those people before we hit the beach. The beach itself amazed me. It was made of half sand and half seashells. I've never heard of that. I little painful to walk on but beautiful.


I rode a jet-ski for the first time ever. I drove first then wanted to switch. I got so much saltwater and mascara in my eyes I couldn't even keep them open the whole time. Daniel tried to throw me off a few times too. Punk ass.

Our next stop was Cozumel. It was lovely. Shopping was much more intense. They sold nice things in Cozumel, like jewelry, not handmade jewelry either. Fancy jewelry. Didn't go into any of those stores. We found where they hid the taxis got in one and went to a beach. We snorkled, floated, ate, tanned, drank. Pretty fun. Then we got back to town and found the liquor store. Bought 2 bottles of rum 3 mini kaluhuas, 2 mini tequilas (Daniel drank the one with the worm!!!) Watch it here so gross yet so funny. So I downed my kaluhuas and we smuggled the other two bottles of rum back on board the ship.


Which made us pass out for the next two nights on the deck.

Had a great time. Will do it again but with a different cruise-line.


I feel like my heart wasn't in this blog. It was mostly informative. Promise the next few will be more entertaining.

New Orleans!

Were sitting in a cafe in New Orleans. Actually we just walked by a hole in the wall place that said "Breakfast." and I'm hungover enough that it sounded delicious so we went in.


Here's Daniel and his signature move. Were both that excited about the prospective pancakes. I am also simultaneously sipping water and a monster. Need to be rehydrated and energized after last night. Whew!



I drank too much, spent too much, saw too many titties, basically feel dirty and violated.

Walking down the street on Bourbon Street I was pulled over by a black lady with serious eye makeup on, I tried to escape but before I knew what was happening, there was something in my mouth. Luckily I was not having a nightmare and it was not a dick. It was however a test-tube shot. Daniel was forced to take one too, and then we took another one together. So 4 shots happened before I could blink. Then she said "that'll be $24" what the hell just happened?!? Did I just get liquor raped?! I certainly did. Ok, pancakes are here.


Delicious!

Anyway. Back to last night...
After the liquor rape, we went to the casino. Which was a complete bust. Wasted about $40 and won nooootttthhhing. Good thing I'm not a gambler. I am not so good at the slots.
We got bored with all the losing so went back to Bourbon Street. All the bars had gotten really loud at this point. I wanted a quiet place to enjoy my huge White Russian. (the drink, not Vlad) So where is quieter than a tittie bar?! Yea. I went to two different strip clubs last night where I received a nipple facial. (this is where u put your money in your strippers g-string and she rewards u by rubbing her titties in your face, motorboat style)

So there's that.

Ok. Breakfast is over, we have one more hour of sight-seeing before we have to get on our cruise ship.

Everyone have a shitty week while I have a great one!

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Bloggin Tiiiiiime!

Sooo.
I'm blogging while I transport a 90 year old about 100 miles. Yippie. Lucky for all u assholes on the road, I'm in the back with the stinky old mother fucker.
Still this is my last shift until after the cruise, more than halfway done with it. I'll try to keep a positive attitude. I really have had a bad day though. Cuntface is on the other truck today so I have to deal with that, and we've been stupidly busy. 11 more hours. That's all, I can get thru this.

But back to my obscenely old man transfer. How old do u want to get? I don't think I'll make it past 70. Or at least I hope not. Being that old sounds depressing. The day after my 70th birthday someone smother me with a pillow please. I won't fight back too much, hell I'm probably too lazy now to struggle a whole lot. If I start shitting my pants before go ahead and shut it down then. Thats enough. I don't want to be a burden to society like most of my patients are. Just wasting money keeping these veggies alive infuriates me. He's 90! And in renal failure! Why the fuck is he a full code. Enough is enough. Let him go.
Rant over. For now

I am so mean.



Figs look like balls, no?

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It's not that I'm lazy...

Its not that I'm lazy, well...
Actually I am. I'm still in bed and it's
1:30pm. I just like sleep. U get up and play your video games, go ahead. I'll take a nap. Consecutive to the last nap. It's my hobby. My favorite pastime. I have a comfy cozy bed and I'm not at work, why not take advantage?


Plus i like the dreams. I can have some awesome dreams. I will relay the latest:
--i'm in Mexico, my friend (who I hadn't met prior to the dream and appears to be a drug lord) has been poisoned and I am trying to save him/outrun his enemies. He pricks his finger and draws some blood, puts it in some weird device and sprays it in my eyes while I'm driving at a super high rate of speed away from those enemies
I talked about earlier. I swerve and crash into a lake. While the car is going down he says, "now you'll try harder to find a cure, since now your dying too"
(WTF, I just crashed into a lake for your ass and were both about to drown, I think the cure is out the window.) so the car hits the bottom, but when it does a portal opens and I am standing in front of a huge prehistoric elephant, with gigantic tusks. It picks me up and puts me in a barrel. (dream-land remember? It doesn't make sense, but hold on it gets worse) so I'm in the barrel and the elephant is walking away, I see something small sneak past it, it kinda looks like puss in boots, but it's a monkey. He's holding a knife in his teeth (or what I thought was a knife, actually turned out to be a sliced banana) he looked like he wanted to save me from my barrel, so he snuck past the elephant and threw the knife/banana at me. It flopped and stuck to the side of a barrel with a splat. The splat got the elephants attention and it turned and charged. Right before it stomped me to death, Oliver kissed my cheek to wake me up.

See? Fun dreams. Who wouldn't enjoy snoozing as a pastime?

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Milkshakes, Milk Duds, and Tears

When I first thought of doing EMS I thought it would be all car wrecks and heart attacks. You know, stuff u actually need an ambulance for. I had no idea the amount of bullshit people called for.
A common misconception which had never occurred to me before I started this job is that an ambulance is a taxi. Since u don't have to pay for an ambulance immediately people use it all the time to get where they need to go. Or near where they need to go. Assuming it's near a hospital.
And since these people are too cheap for taxis u think they'll pay their ambulance bill? Unlikely.

So let's begin my list of the stupidest taxi calls I've been on recently

10. Man smoked some weed for the first time in years and felt high
---I thought that's what was supposed to happen

9. Woman started her period for the month, her normal monthly period, nothing significant about it
---just a full blown idiot

8. Man couldn't "do anything with" his left forearm.
---now what he wanted to "do" with it I don't really know

7. Woman with a bloody nose, the day before
---your nose is no longer bleeding, what do u want me to do about it?!

6. Woman skipped a day on her antibiotics
---ok, let me run and grab my time machine, be right back

5. Man was blinking in and out
---this is how it was explained and turns out he was just blinking. His eyes.

4. Rats in the house were causing an asthma attack
---I'm not an exterminator

3. Man shit himself so he could go to the hospital and get cleaned up. And get a free milkshake while he was there.
---he never got his milkshake.

2. Kid swallowed a milk dud
---He. Ate. A. Milk dud. Ate it. Nom nom 911!

1. Baby with a tear in it's eye
---well u shouldn't have made your baby so sad then! He was probably
Sad bc he realized your dumb-ass would be raising him.

I'm sure there will be plenty more to come. They call we haul, it ALL.


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Half ass ramblings

Not gonna lie. I'm not completely coherent. Prob due to the ambien effecting my brain but my body not wanting to calm down. So. I typy. And see what comes up.

I always wanted a unicorn. Not because I love unicorns but so I could take it to a room filled with unicorn lovers and enthusiast (assuming a place like this exists is almost as bad as assuming I could get a unicorn) anyway I'd take my unicorn in there, I'd name him Ryan the Rhino. Then I'd try to convince everyone there that he's a rhino. It'd be hard, these freaks know there unicorn folklore, but I think I could convince them. Once I've got them hooked that Ryan is in fact a Rhino. I pull out a rainbow birth certificate and say "ha ha, I lied that is a unicorn, and his names not Ryan it's name is Dead" they'd be all, "Dead is a horrible name for a unicorn it should be Sundrop or Sweetsunshinehead" then they'd snatch the birth certificate out of my hand an while they were double checking I'd pull out my machete and chop his head off. Spilling his silvery blood all over the floor and breaking the hearts of all the unicorn enthusiasts. Because all they've wanted they're whole life was to see a real live unicorn, and I have just killed that dream. Really no happy ending for anyone.

See, the inside of my head is fucked up.

Head spin

My head is starting to spin. Which sounds like fun but kinda makes me dizzy. And it doesn't spin in full circles either. Usually ambien or alcohol induced spinning feels more like the churning of the washing machine. Is it my mind trying to churn things up and get me thinking fucked up thoughts? If so, rude! 

But thE good news about the churning, (I've renamed it for accuracy) is that in this case it means sleep is on it's way in. 
If I was a believer I'd be singing some hallelujahs.

I used to blog... On myspace

I used to blog on myspace, so it's been a while. Let me welcome u to my new blog. I don't recommend reading any further unless u want brain damage. Not really, I don't know what that means. I mean I obviously know what brain damage is since I'm a paramedic but don't know how u could get it from a blog. My tired attempt at wit I guess.

So I took a vicoden earlier bc my back was hurting, I was already tired and it made me even more tired. So I went to bed rather early. I was awakened by the husband for a midnight snack (and by snack I mean fucking) and now I can't get back to sleep. Asshole. Meanwhile less than 30 seconds after snack he is snoring like a mother fucker. So here I am. Creating a blog at 1am trying to entice sleep. Unsuccessfully. Took an ambien so it shouldn't be long now.

Anywho... I was pretty entertaining in the olden blogging days and am still very entertaining on twitter. Follow @mandyharmonious. Hopefully I can come up with a better more entertaining blog next time I decide to type.