BlOOOOOOOOOg
Want into my inner most thoughts? Prbably not, but read on anyway. I'm gonna number them. I'm watching the BIg C season 3 episode 2
1. My face feels funny. Kinda numb, I wanna slap it. In a mashonistic manner. Fucking damn google or bloodspot or whatever didn't recognize that what I meant was the -- person who hurts themselves because it feels good)) or whatever websster says.
Anyway, I think I'll slap myself bc it'll be gooooood
2. How mch wine have I had. I really like wine. even thigh this whine kinda tasted like fucking armpits. like gross tuskegee armpits. VOMIT-FEST!!!!!
3. I AM nodding. without even meaning to. UM. Ambien, 6 glasses of wine, an ambien, and prozac. I deserve to nod
4. Wish, If Only, One day, Soon, Maybe, If Only
5. Number 4 is the story of my godmann life
6. Daniel reminds me of the husband of the BIG C. reminds me bc he's so ridiculously nice. I mean if my husnabd was an asshole, well he wouldn't be my husband. but still. U know. UGH. I wish he'd be more of who he is with ought being an asshole to me and. Oh fuck lost my chop chop train of thought. Chug a chug aaaaaa.
7. These aren't counting down or nothing. just thought I could come up with 10 before I FELL asleep.
8. Diluted my glass enough to that I only really have 1/4 of a fucking glass of wine left. but too drunk to stay awake for the rest of it/
9. push some balls up against your too sexy foopa panties and fuciing die
10. HOW come 10 is the number that you go to.
FUCK
GO SLEEPY TOWN
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Tips for no tip.
Don't wanna have sex? Here are some fool proof ways to make your partner so completely turned off, they turn around go to the bathroom and have a good fap session.
Women
15. Talk about your asshole. In detail. Words like no-wiper, hairy, raw from a giant spicy dump. That kind of stuff. Sharts.
14. Comment that something smells like catfish. Which is weird bc there is no fish anywhere around. Wonder what it could be.
13. Don't shave. Anything. Your embarrassing mustache coming in. Bring it. Don't shave your legs or arms. Especially not your v. Make comments about how long it's been since you've shaved, who knows what could be living in there at this point. I wonder if you could even get thru the jungle that's all matted together.
12. Talk about how fiiiiiine Channing Tatum is. Or Robert Downey Jr. Mmm. This is funny bc then you can watch your man try to mimic either the behavior and style of them. ie: shaving that goatee down to look like Tony Stark. maybe if I look like iron man she'll think I can fuck like iron man no. Unlikely friend. Only iron man can fuck like fucking iron man.
11. Don't shower for a couple days. When asked about it say your trying to figure out your natural scent so you can bottle it and sell it and call it. 'Amazingness'
10. Talk shit about his mom. Bc chances are even though she really is a psychotic dope head he still gets offended when u call her a psychotic dope head.
9. Fall asleep. Easy enough. If your asleep your not fucking. Well you may be. In dreamland. But it'll be your choice of who, how long, what position, what planet, and your dog doesn't have to be watching from the foot of the bed.
8. Eat some of his least favorite food right before bed. OR eat something he's highly allergic to. That'll do it too. "oh sorry, you wanted to bang? I just really had a hankering for shrimp. Why did I shove some in my vagina? Well I wanted to get the whole experience. See you wouldn't know bc your allergic but that's actually how u eat shrimp. That's how real sea food lovers eat it."
7. Take a gigantic loud watery dump right before bed. With the door open preferably. When you come out say something like "that hurt so bad I was weeping in there" then hobble to the bed and lay on your stomach. Maybe add another sad "ow"
6. Give some completely off the wall disturbing reason. "I've really been thinking a lot about my dad lately. I know that usually puts me in the mood but not tonight." that'll leave him so freaked out his pecker will practically turn itself inside out.
5. Set the bedroom on fire
4. Say you've lost your birth control and all the condoms. In the fire.
3. Talk about how much you want a baby.
2. Say your on your period.
1. Chop off his penis.
Men
15. Ask her why she didn't do laundry
14. Tell her she needs to pick her dirty clothes up off the floor
13. Tell her she's wrong
12. Pull your dick out start floppin it around in the middle of her favorite movie
11. Poop with the door open
10. Ask for a foot massage
9. Make her fill her own gas tank up.
8. Stick up for your retarded hippie mother.
7. Play video games all night then come to bed at 2 am roll over and say "you wanna?"
6. Talk on your video game headset. Ever.
5. Make a face when the dinner she cooked was less than delicious.
4. Forget something she old you to get at the store.
3. Wink at her
2. Press it against her leg
1. Try and be sexy.
Foolproof. I'm telling you. Do these things and you'll be a born again virgin in no time.
Till next time bitches.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Women
15. Talk about your asshole. In detail. Words like no-wiper, hairy, raw from a giant spicy dump. That kind of stuff. Sharts.
14. Comment that something smells like catfish. Which is weird bc there is no fish anywhere around. Wonder what it could be.
13. Don't shave. Anything. Your embarrassing mustache coming in. Bring it. Don't shave your legs or arms. Especially not your v. Make comments about how long it's been since you've shaved, who knows what could be living in there at this point. I wonder if you could even get thru the jungle that's all matted together.
12. Talk about how fiiiiiine Channing Tatum is. Or Robert Downey Jr. Mmm. This is funny bc then you can watch your man try to mimic either the behavior and style of them. ie: shaving that goatee down to look like Tony Stark. maybe if I look like iron man she'll think I can fuck like iron man no. Unlikely friend. Only iron man can fuck like fucking iron man.
11. Don't shower for a couple days. When asked about it say your trying to figure out your natural scent so you can bottle it and sell it and call it. 'Amazingness'
10. Talk shit about his mom. Bc chances are even though she really is a psychotic dope head he still gets offended when u call her a psychotic dope head.
9. Fall asleep. Easy enough. If your asleep your not fucking. Well you may be. In dreamland. But it'll be your choice of who, how long, what position, what planet, and your dog doesn't have to be watching from the foot of the bed.
8. Eat some of his least favorite food right before bed. OR eat something he's highly allergic to. That'll do it too. "oh sorry, you wanted to bang? I just really had a hankering for shrimp. Why did I shove some in my vagina? Well I wanted to get the whole experience. See you wouldn't know bc your allergic but that's actually how u eat shrimp. That's how real sea food lovers eat it."
7. Take a gigantic loud watery dump right before bed. With the door open preferably. When you come out say something like "that hurt so bad I was weeping in there" then hobble to the bed and lay on your stomach. Maybe add another sad "ow"
6. Give some completely off the wall disturbing reason. "I've really been thinking a lot about my dad lately. I know that usually puts me in the mood but not tonight." that'll leave him so freaked out his pecker will practically turn itself inside out.
5. Set the bedroom on fire
4. Say you've lost your birth control and all the condoms. In the fire.
3. Talk about how much you want a baby.
2. Say your on your period.
1. Chop off his penis.
Men
15. Ask her why she didn't do laundry
14. Tell her she needs to pick her dirty clothes up off the floor
13. Tell her she's wrong
12. Pull your dick out start floppin it around in the middle of her favorite movie
11. Poop with the door open
10. Ask for a foot massage
9. Make her fill her own gas tank up.
8. Stick up for your retarded hippie mother.
7. Play video games all night then come to bed at 2 am roll over and say "you wanna?"
6. Talk on your video game headset. Ever.
5. Make a face when the dinner she cooked was less than delicious.
4. Forget something she old you to get at the store.
3. Wink at her
2. Press it against her leg
1. Try and be sexy.
Foolproof. I'm telling you. Do these things and you'll be a born again virgin in no time.
Till next time bitches.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Terrific. Haven't blogged for a while.
Watching Glee. Something smells like cookies.
Drinking wine. And listening to the cat break stuff in the other room.
Oliver's been semi-sickly lately. The headaches he's been getting are making him nauseous and throwing up. Then the other day he was having stomach pains so bad that we had I go to the ER. Where the doctor basically refused to treat him. Which I'm thoroughly pissed about. What kind of doctor doesn't treat damn children.
Buy a flask!!
I've made lots of them. 13 to be exact. I've had 16 orders total since I've started Etsy. Pretty damn good if you ax me.
Watching Glee. As I've already mentioned. Can't believe Rachel choked! Omg!
Wine. A whole bottle. Gurgle de gurgle.
I have nothing funny to say. I have failed you all.
Promise to blog next time I'm on the edge of exhaustion and delirium.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Watching Glee. Something smells like cookies.
Drinking wine. And listening to the cat break stuff in the other room.
Oliver's been semi-sickly lately. The headaches he's been getting are making him nauseous and throwing up. Then the other day he was having stomach pains so bad that we had I go to the ER. Where the doctor basically refused to treat him. Which I'm thoroughly pissed about. What kind of doctor doesn't treat damn children.
Buy a flask!!
I've made lots of them. 13 to be exact. I've had 16 orders total since I've started Etsy. Pretty damn good if you ax me.
Watching Glee. As I've already mentioned. Can't believe Rachel choked! Omg!
Wine. A whole bottle. Gurgle de gurgle.
I have nothing funny to say. I have failed you all.
Promise to blog next time I'm on the edge of exhaustion and delirium.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Driveway babbling
Sitting in the driveway. It's driveway wine time. Toby's family is out and I'm giving them the stink eye. Bastards. We don't like Toby.
Got my wine. And the shakes. What's that about? Pretty stupid if u ax me.
Mosquitos are biting me. Bastards. I have bug spray on. I can't win. My skin is peeling hardcore and Mosquitos are attacking. I think I'd be better off if I just didn't have skin. Skinless. Like a chicken breast. The good kind. Nom.
I don't really understand what I'm writing so if you don't understand either that's fully understandable. Understand?
I need to shave my legs. They're so hairy.
Oh I saw hunger games. It was glorious. I'm gonna go see it again soon. Bc I was a wee bit drunk the first time. I accidently got wastie-pants the afternoon before. Drunk an burnt.
Daniels bringing home olive garden. It's been a no cleaning no cooking kinda day.
Ya damn right!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Got my wine. And the shakes. What's that about? Pretty stupid if u ax me.
Mosquitos are biting me. Bastards. I have bug spray on. I can't win. My skin is peeling hardcore and Mosquitos are attacking. I think I'd be better off if I just didn't have skin. Skinless. Like a chicken breast. The good kind. Nom.
I don't really understand what I'm writing so if you don't understand either that's fully understandable. Understand?
I need to shave my legs. They're so hairy.
Oh I saw hunger games. It was glorious. I'm gonna go see it again soon. Bc I was a wee bit drunk the first time. I accidently got wastie-pants the afternoon before. Drunk an burnt.
Daniels bringing home olive garden. It's been a no cleaning no cooking kinda day.
Ya damn right!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
DRUNKKKKKK post..... lookout
DOUCHE. THINK I CANT DO NOTHING MY DAMN SELF. YOU KNOW I FUDKINT KNO2 2HQ5 IM RUING DOING.
I MEAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW AHT IM FUCKNG DOING@+!!!.
YOU KNOW.
DICK FACE SAYS: YOU SURE ARE TYPIN ALOT
YOU KNOW WHAT, BE A LITTLE LESS A PERSONALITY.
THT\ATS RIGHT LOOK IT UP DICK FACE
I'LL CLEAN THE DRINK UP. WHEN YOUR A DICK I WANT TO STABYOU MORE THAN EVRE.
ANNNNNNYWAY
HUNGERGAMES
GET ON BOARD. GONNA BUY A CROSS BOW TOMORROW. SERIOUSLY.
I MEAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW AHT IM FUCKNG DOING@+!!!.
YOU KNOW.
DICK FACE SAYS: YOU SURE ARE TYPIN ALOT
YOU KNOW WHAT, BE A LITTLE LESS A PERSONALITY.
THT\ATS RIGHT LOOK IT UP DICK FACE
I'LL CLEAN THE DRINK UP. WHEN YOUR A DICK I WANT TO STABYOU MORE THAN EVRE.
ANNNNNNYWAY
HUNGERGAMES
GET ON BOARD. GONNA BUY A CROSS BOW TOMORROW. SERIOUSLY.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Mopped, now Trapped
I mopped myself into the nerd room. All that I can think of to do is blog. I've tweeted, facebooked, used the litter box, and I'm pretty much out of options. Kinda thirsty. Maybe I'll send Oli to get me a drink. The floor is lava. I'm too old to pretend the floor is lava. I'll just pretend I just mopped the floor and don't want to step on it or I'll have to mop again.
I got my hair did yesterday. I say it like that bc it makes me cooler. I know it doesn't really, but I keep telling myself that. It's going back blonde. I would've done it myself but it seemed like it would be more fun to have a complete stranger do it for over $100. And I was right. 4 hours later, $120 poorer my hair is SLIGHTLY blonder. Awesome. Red is too hard to keep up, blonde is simple. And I really could use some simplicity right now.
All the windows that are openable are open. It's windy, FREE AIR CONDITIONING!
I'm on Daniel's computer. His camera is looking right at me. It's making me paranoid. How do I know its not filming? How many times did I fart then check to make sure it was dry? Oh geez, how many times have a scratched my boob. Is this considered porn? I'm confused. I'm turning it away. Ok I feel better. Yea, film the wall bitch. How do u like me now?! Listening to the clickity clicks of the keyboard as I talk shit about u. Yea. I may have just picked a booger and hidden it somewhere on Daniels precious computing station, but you don't know that, bc u can't see me. Neener Neener.
Seriously, can someone take my kid. Just for a little while. He won't stop talking. WHY do you think I'm quiet? BC I'm the only one in this house who knows how to be quiet. "Why aren't you talking?" BC I WANTED A BIT OF SILENCE.
OK. so some black guy just drove by and picked up the metal pieces of junk that were on the side of the road. Daniel broke a desk and he went thru it and took anything metal out of the pile and drove off. I bet he's making a robot. Recycled Robot. Scary.
sip sip, ah. root beer.
Ok. I think I'm out of things to ramble about. So, I'm gonna go play with my kitty in bed. Who knows when I'm done, I may find Pip and play with him a bit too.
I got my hair did yesterday. I say it like that bc it makes me cooler. I know it doesn't really, but I keep telling myself that. It's going back blonde. I would've done it myself but it seemed like it would be more fun to have a complete stranger do it for over $100. And I was right. 4 hours later, $120 poorer my hair is SLIGHTLY blonder. Awesome. Red is too hard to keep up, blonde is simple. And I really could use some simplicity right now.
All the windows that are openable are open. It's windy, FREE AIR CONDITIONING!
I'm on Daniel's computer. His camera is looking right at me. It's making me paranoid. How do I know its not filming? How many times did I fart then check to make sure it was dry? Oh geez, how many times have a scratched my boob. Is this considered porn? I'm confused. I'm turning it away. Ok I feel better. Yea, film the wall bitch. How do u like me now?! Listening to the clickity clicks of the keyboard as I talk shit about u. Yea. I may have just picked a booger and hidden it somewhere on Daniels precious computing station, but you don't know that, bc u can't see me. Neener Neener.
Seriously, can someone take my kid. Just for a little while. He won't stop talking. WHY do you think I'm quiet? BC I'm the only one in this house who knows how to be quiet. "Why aren't you talking?" BC I WANTED A BIT OF SILENCE.
OK. so some black guy just drove by and picked up the metal pieces of junk that were on the side of the road. Daniel broke a desk and he went thru it and took anything metal out of the pile and drove off. I bet he's making a robot. Recycled Robot. Scary.
sip sip, ah. root beer.
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