Women
15. Talk about your asshole. In detail. Words like no-wiper, hairy, raw from a giant spicy dump. That kind of stuff. Sharts.
14. Comment that something smells like catfish. Which is weird bc there is no fish anywhere around. Wonder what it could be.
13. Don't shave. Anything. Your embarrassing mustache coming in. Bring it. Don't shave your legs or arms. Especially not your v. Make comments about how long it's been since you've shaved, who knows what could be living in there at this point. I wonder if you could even get thru the jungle that's all matted together.
12. Talk about how fiiiiiine Channing Tatum is. Or Robert Downey Jr. Mmm. This is funny bc then you can watch your man try to mimic either the behavior and style of them. ie: shaving that goatee down to look like Tony Stark. maybe if I look like iron man she'll think I can fuck like iron man no. Unlikely friend. Only iron man can fuck like fucking iron man.
11. Don't shower for a couple days. When asked about it say your trying to figure out your natural scent so you can bottle it and sell it and call it. 'Amazingness'
10. Talk shit about his mom. Bc chances are even though she really is a psychotic dope head he still gets offended when u call her a psychotic dope head.
9. Fall asleep. Easy enough. If your asleep your not fucking. Well you may be. In dreamland. But it'll be your choice of who, how long, what position, what planet, and your dog doesn't have to be watching from the foot of the bed.
8. Eat some of his least favorite food right before bed. OR eat something he's highly allergic to. That'll do it too. "oh sorry, you wanted to bang? I just really had a hankering for shrimp. Why did I shove some in my vagina? Well I wanted to get the whole experience. See you wouldn't know bc your allergic but that's actually how u eat shrimp. That's how real sea food lovers eat it."
7. Take a gigantic loud watery dump right before bed. With the door open preferably. When you come out say something like "that hurt so bad I was weeping in there" then hobble to the bed and lay on your stomach. Maybe add another sad "ow"
6. Give some completely off the wall disturbing reason. "I've really been thinking a lot about my dad lately. I know that usually puts me in the mood but not tonight." that'll leave him so freaked out his pecker will practically turn itself inside out.
5. Set the bedroom on fire
4. Say you've lost your birth control and all the condoms. In the fire.
3. Talk about how much you want a baby.
2. Say your on your period.
1. Chop off his penis.
Men
15. Ask her why she didn't do laundry
14. Tell her she needs to pick her dirty clothes up off the floor
13. Tell her she's wrong
12. Pull your dick out start floppin it around in the middle of her favorite movie
11. Poop with the door open
10. Ask for a foot massage
9. Make her fill her own gas tank up.
8. Stick up for your retarded hippie mother.
7. Play video games all night then come to bed at 2 am roll over and say "you wanna?"
6. Talk on your video game headset. Ever.
5. Make a face when the dinner she cooked was less than delicious.
4. Forget something she old you to get at the store.
3. Wink at her
2. Press it against her leg
1. Try and be sexy.
Foolproof. I'm telling you. Do these things and you'll be a born again virgin in no time.
Till next time bitches.
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