Cruise

Cruising was amazing. Well mostly amazing. Took us over an hour to get through the Rollercoaster-long lines to get through security and onto the ship. We smuggled on at least 1 bottle of rum at the beginning. Successfully. Then after all the standing in lines bullshit we finally got on the ship. We were told to go up to the lido deck and have lunch because our rooms wouldnt be ready for another 30 minutes. Well my arms were tired of carrying all that baggage and I needed a break. So we sat on our luggage by the room till they let us in.
We did a little exploring, went and found some lunch and drinks. And the only free drinks u get are tea and lemonade. So we ended up drinking some concoction of lemonade and rum the whole time.
After lunch, bellies full, thirst satisfied we walked around the deck a little before heading back to our rooms.
We were told there would be a "muster" meeting before disembarkment. Where they showed us how to attach out safety vests. I'm pretty much a genius and watched it on the tv before. So when they came to check our room and make sure we were there, Daniel hid under the bed and I hid in the shower. Why we couldn't just have gone to the meeting, I dont know. I didn't want to. Rebel.

So we cruised.

Besides the nickel and dime-ing us to death it was ok. Daniel wanted to gamble, he did, poorly and when he was ready to get his sad little 10¢ put on his card for credit he was charged a $20 fee just to add it to the card. Missed that fine print! Muthafukas.
Then we got charged a $50 gratuity fee a piece. I wouldn't have minded if I had been getting decent service. In fact it could have saved me lots of money in gratuity, however the service we got didn't warrant $50 a piece. If those people had been working for tips, they could have given me much better service and I'd have lost tons of dough (bc I'm an overtipper). You see what I'm saying here?

Moral of the story if I'm gonna drop lots of money make it worth it! Don't just be a boat to mexico. I think we're gonna try a different cruise-line. Maybe royal Caribbean, disney, or norweigen. We hadn't ever done it before and now we know what to expect. But now were ready for next time.

The boat itself wasn't as fancy as I thought it'd be either, the food wasn't great, the hallways constantly smelled like eggy farts. The room looked old ad small. I knew itd be tiny but damn. And we got a deluxe room!
I've seen elevators that were bigger. It was pretty awesome to have a balcony though. If we wanted privacy between us and the ocean we could go out there for peace. Nobody could see us from our balcony either. We coulda boinked and the only ones who'd have known would be us and the fishes. But we didnt. Much to Daniels dismay. He'll be alright.


Anyway. We finally made it to mexico. Progresso was first. I bought a bunch of crap from those people before we hit the beach. The beach itself amazed me. It was made of half sand and half seashells. I've never heard of that. I little painful to walk on but beautiful.


I rode a jet-ski for the first time ever. I drove first then wanted to switch. I got so much saltwater and mascara in my eyes I couldn't even keep them open the whole time. Daniel tried to throw me off a few times too. Punk ass.

Our next stop was Cozumel. It was lovely. Shopping was much more intense. They sold nice things in Cozumel, like jewelry, not handmade jewelry either. Fancy jewelry. Didn't go into any of those stores. We found where they hid the taxis got in one and went to a beach. We snorkled, floated, ate, tanned, drank. Pretty fun. Then we got back to town and found the liquor store. Bought 2 bottles of rum 3 mini kaluhuas, 2 mini tequilas (Daniel drank the one with the worm!!!) Watch it here so gross yet so funny. So I downed my kaluhuas and we smuggled the other two bottles of rum back on board the ship.


Which made us pass out for the next two nights on the deck.

Had a great time. Will do it again but with a different cruise-line.


I feel like my heart wasn't in this blog. It was mostly informative. Promise the next few will be more entertaining.

New Orleans!

Were sitting in a cafe in New Orleans. Actually we just walked by a hole in the wall place that said "Breakfast." and I'm hungover enough that it sounded delicious so we went in.


Here's Daniel and his signature move. Were both that excited about the prospective pancakes. I am also simultaneously sipping water and a monster. Need to be rehydrated and energized after last night. Whew!



I drank too much, spent too much, saw too many titties, basically feel dirty and violated.

Walking down the street on Bourbon Street I was pulled over by a black lady with serious eye makeup on, I tried to escape but before I knew what was happening, there was something in my mouth. Luckily I was not having a nightmare and it was not a dick. It was however a test-tube shot. Daniel was forced to take one too, and then we took another one together. So 4 shots happened before I could blink. Then she said "that'll be $24" what the hell just happened?!? Did I just get liquor raped?! I certainly did. Ok, pancakes are here.


Delicious!

Anyway. Back to last night...
After the liquor rape, we went to the casino. Which was a complete bust. Wasted about $40 and won nooootttthhhing. Good thing I'm not a gambler. I am not so good at the slots.
We got bored with all the losing so went back to Bourbon Street. All the bars had gotten really loud at this point. I wanted a quiet place to enjoy my huge White Russian. (the drink, not Vlad) So where is quieter than a tittie bar?! Yea. I went to two different strip clubs last night where I received a nipple facial. (this is where u put your money in your strippers g-string and she rewards u by rubbing her titties in your face, motorboat style)

So there's that.

Ok. Breakfast is over, we have one more hour of sight-seeing before we have to get on our cruise ship.

Everyone have a shitty week while I have a great one!

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Bloggin Tiiiiiime!

Sooo.
I'm blogging while I transport a 90 year old about 100 miles. Yippie. Lucky for all u assholes on the road, I'm in the back with the stinky old mother fucker.
Still this is my last shift until after the cruise, more than halfway done with it. I'll try to keep a positive attitude. I really have had a bad day though. Cuntface is on the other truck today so I have to deal with that, and we've been stupidly busy. 11 more hours. That's all, I can get thru this.

But back to my obscenely old man transfer. How old do u want to get? I don't think I'll make it past 70. Or at least I hope not. Being that old sounds depressing. The day after my 70th birthday someone smother me with a pillow please. I won't fight back too much, hell I'm probably too lazy now to struggle a whole lot. If I start shitting my pants before go ahead and shut it down then. Thats enough. I don't want to be a burden to society like most of my patients are. Just wasting money keeping these veggies alive infuriates me. He's 90! And in renal failure! Why the fuck is he a full code. Enough is enough. Let him go.
Rant over. For now

I am so mean.



Figs look like balls, no?

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It's not that I'm lazy...

Its not that I'm lazy, well...
Actually I am. I'm still in bed and it's
1:30pm. I just like sleep. U get up and play your video games, go ahead. I'll take a nap. Consecutive to the last nap. It's my hobby. My favorite pastime. I have a comfy cozy bed and I'm not at work, why not take advantage?


Plus i like the dreams. I can have some awesome dreams. I will relay the latest:
--i'm in Mexico, my friend (who I hadn't met prior to the dream and appears to be a drug lord) has been poisoned and I am trying to save him/outrun his enemies. He pricks his finger and draws some blood, puts it in some weird device and sprays it in my eyes while I'm driving at a super high rate of speed away from those enemies
I talked about earlier. I swerve and crash into a lake. While the car is going down he says, "now you'll try harder to find a cure, since now your dying too"
(WTF, I just crashed into a lake for your ass and were both about to drown, I think the cure is out the window.) so the car hits the bottom, but when it does a portal opens and I am standing in front of a huge prehistoric elephant, with gigantic tusks. It picks me up and puts me in a barrel. (dream-land remember? It doesn't make sense, but hold on it gets worse) so I'm in the barrel and the elephant is walking away, I see something small sneak past it, it kinda looks like puss in boots, but it's a monkey. He's holding a knife in his teeth (or what I thought was a knife, actually turned out to be a sliced banana) he looked like he wanted to save me from my barrel, so he snuck past the elephant and threw the knife/banana at me. It flopped and stuck to the side of a barrel with a splat. The splat got the elephants attention and it turned and charged. Right before it stomped me to death, Oliver kissed my cheek to wake me up.

See? Fun dreams. Who wouldn't enjoy snoozing as a pastime?

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Milkshakes, Milk Duds, and Tears

When I first thought of doing EMS I thought it would be all car wrecks and heart attacks. You know, stuff u actually need an ambulance for. I had no idea the amount of bullshit people called for.
A common misconception which had never occurred to me before I started this job is that an ambulance is a taxi. Since u don't have to pay for an ambulance immediately people use it all the time to get where they need to go. Or near where they need to go. Assuming it's near a hospital.
And since these people are too cheap for taxis u think they'll pay their ambulance bill? Unlikely.

So let's begin my list of the stupidest taxi calls I've been on recently

10. Man smoked some weed for the first time in years and felt high
---I thought that's what was supposed to happen

9. Woman started her period for the month, her normal monthly period, nothing significant about it
---just a full blown idiot

8. Man couldn't "do anything with" his left forearm.
---now what he wanted to "do" with it I don't really know

7. Woman with a bloody nose, the day before
---your nose is no longer bleeding, what do u want me to do about it?!

6. Woman skipped a day on her antibiotics
---ok, let me run and grab my time machine, be right back

5. Man was blinking in and out
---this is how it was explained and turns out he was just blinking. His eyes.

4. Rats in the house were causing an asthma attack
---I'm not an exterminator

3. Man shit himself so he could go to the hospital and get cleaned up. And get a free milkshake while he was there.
---he never got his milkshake.

2. Kid swallowed a milk dud
---He. Ate. A. Milk dud. Ate it. Nom nom 911!

1. Baby with a tear in it's eye
---well u shouldn't have made your baby so sad then! He was probably
Sad bc he realized your dumb-ass would be raising him.

I'm sure there will be plenty more to come. They call we haul, it ALL.


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Half ass ramblings

Not gonna lie. I'm not completely coherent. Prob due to the ambien effecting my brain but my body not wanting to calm down. So. I typy. And see what comes up.

I always wanted a unicorn. Not because I love unicorns but so I could take it to a room filled with unicorn lovers and enthusiast (assuming a place like this exists is almost as bad as assuming I could get a unicorn) anyway I'd take my unicorn in there, I'd name him Ryan the Rhino. Then I'd try to convince everyone there that he's a rhino. It'd be hard, these freaks know there unicorn folklore, but I think I could convince them. Once I've got them hooked that Ryan is in fact a Rhino. I pull out a rainbow birth certificate and say "ha ha, I lied that is a unicorn, and his names not Ryan it's name is Dead" they'd be all, "Dead is a horrible name for a unicorn it should be Sundrop or Sweetsunshinehead" then they'd snatch the birth certificate out of my hand an while they were double checking I'd pull out my machete and chop his head off. Spilling his silvery blood all over the floor and breaking the hearts of all the unicorn enthusiasts. Because all they've wanted they're whole life was to see a real live unicorn, and I have just killed that dream. Really no happy ending for anyone.

See, the inside of my head is fucked up.

Head spin

My head is starting to spin. Which sounds like fun but kinda makes me dizzy. And it doesn't spin in full circles either. Usually ambien or alcohol induced spinning feels more like the churning of the washing machine. Is it my mind trying to churn things up and get me thinking fucked up thoughts? If so, rude! 

But thE good news about the churning, (I've renamed it for accuracy) is that in this case it means sleep is on it's way in. 
If I was a believer I'd be singing some hallelujahs.

I used to blog... On myspace

I used to blog on myspace, so it's been a while. Let me welcome u to my new blog. I don't recommend reading any further unless u want brain damage. Not really, I don't know what that means. I mean I obviously know what brain damage is since I'm a paramedic but don't know how u could get it from a blog. My tired attempt at wit I guess.

So I took a vicoden earlier bc my back was hurting, I was already tired and it made me even more tired. So I went to bed rather early. I was awakened by the husband for a midnight snack (and by snack I mean fucking) and now I can't get back to sleep. Asshole. Meanwhile less than 30 seconds after snack he is snoring like a mother fucker. So here I am. Creating a blog at 1am trying to entice sleep. Unsuccessfully. Took an ambien so it shouldn't be long now.

Anywho... I was pretty entertaining in the olden blogging days and am still very entertaining on twitter. Follow @mandyharmonious. Hopefully I can come up with a better more entertaining blog next time I decide to type.