I feel like a stranger. To myself. How emo is that. But seriously I do. Who is this person I've become?!?
Anyone ever said anything to you and it hits you like a bus that they are not who you thought they were. Like your whole perspective of them is suddenly warped by that statement. Yea. That happened to me today.
Also. I am mad at computers. Just in general. I've had enough of their shit.
Goodnight.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Most depressing blog ever
You may not wanna read. This isn't touchy feely or sweet or funny or anything like that.
This is the blog of a person who is severely depressed. Whining about life. Blah blah blah. Stop reading now, I just need to write it down before it eats me alive.
How long is a relationship supposed to last. How long is it supposed to be good. Am I just kidding myself and thinking this is how everyone's life is? Is everyone who is with someone miserable? Does it have an expiration date? Can u push thru the expiration date? All these old people celebrating 20-30-40-50 year anniversaries, how many of those decades have they been unhappy. How many times have they wanted to give up. Is everyone just pretending to be happy? Bc if so then I am right on track for a long marriage. Maybe things will get better. I don't know. But I'm not giving up. I'm not. But how depressed can one person get before the depression gets said person. How much can a person take. How do u turn it around. How do u stop hating yourself and him.
Can things ever go back to when it was just sex and flowers and romantic backseat make out sessions? When I got such dry chapped lips bc we couldnt stop kissing eachother. Will that kind of love ever come back? Or is this just the evolution of a relationship.
I'm in actual physical pain at this point. These questions and those similar are giving me GI problems. Chest pains. My body feels as exhausted as I do
Mentally. How much more can I take. How do I dig out of this hole of misery and pain.
How can he love me. But hate me so fervently at the exact same moment.
I am desperate for love but despise the thought of his kiss.
Can u love someone and hate them at the same time? Sure. Can u be married to someone you love and hate? And who loves and hates you? I don't know that. I mean. I am. But how long till it makes us explode.
The little things about you that drive me
Crazy. The little things about me that drive you crazy. How much more can this relationship take.
I feel like we're just barely struggling every day. And I dont know what to do to fix it.
I don't like to be vulnerable. I'm tough. Always have been. Don't show weakness. Especially now don't show weakness. All this self doubt self hatred consuming my every thought. Why would I show that. "Tell me how you feel"
"fine. I feel fine"
When that's a bold faced lie.
But I'll never tell. Bc I'm too tough.
Doing more things that I regret more
Often. Am I acting out? Why am I acting out? Am I trying to ind an escape from this relationship? Somewhere maybe iny subconscious maybe. But no. An escape from this relationship would kill me. So then what. What's the
Reason
Why do I do these stupid things. So I can
Feel guilty and shitty. Self destructive much?
Just wanna
Roll over and cease to exist. Not kill myself. No. Just as though it never
Happened. As if I never happened. Go back in time and not be conceived.
I want to not be.
Again. Sorry of u read the whole thing. It was more
Just for
My Benefit.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, August 25, 2012
In other news
I'm on the toilet right now. Which is why I'm blogging. You know. That's how i blog. Pants down.
Anyway. Kindergarten started. I had to go psycho mom. No biggie. My anxiety about it has gone down considerably since I lost it in the principals office.
It was weird waiting on the couch outside the principals office. Felt nostalgic. Like I was in trouble again for writing shit on the bathroom stall. Ah good times.
My otter box is fucked up. I'm surprised I can still see through it. Everything is Sepia. Which is kinda cool in a hipster sort of way.
Ok. About to wrap it up here from the toilet. Night night.
Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Anyway. Kindergarten started. I had to go psycho mom. No biggie. My anxiety about it has gone down considerably since I lost it in the principals office.
It was weird waiting on the couch outside the principals office. Felt nostalgic. Like I was in trouble again for writing shit on the bathroom stall. Ah good times.
My otter box is fucked up. I'm surprised I can still see through it. Everything is Sepia. Which is kinda cool in a hipster sort of way.
Ok. About to wrap it up here from the toilet. Night night.
Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Weird?
Had an awesome mini vacation at the beach. We were sober. Which was weird for us.
First we sat in the waves. IN the waves in our chairs. For a few hours. Then went to a Jason Mraz concert. An old couple in front of us tried to get it on with another Old couple. I really did not sign up for old people orgy. It was nauseating. I like to sit and make fun of people, and make no mistake, the fedora population the Way it was, there was an abundance of material. Haven't been to a good concert in a while. I freaking loved it. It was good for my soul. After the concert we went to get some food. Why there is no food after 11pm in that town i do not know. So 10 miles later we got to IHOP.
Everything Daniel said, the server couldn't understand. So i dared him to tell her that he was Russian. Which he DID. His little pansy ass didnt chicken out. In a seriously southern accent apoligized saying "Sorry my english isnt so good. Im from Russia" as southern as can be. She just kind of looked at him like 'Why are u telling me this?' said "oh ok" and walked away. How retarded. And as i said before, sober.
Then the next day was another day on the beach. Burned my feet on the deck. Deck? Dock? Dick? Whatever. Then back into the waves. Got some good seashells. Didn't die when I went in the water to "swim" the waves always try to kill me. But not this time. I just tried to soak in the sea. Thinking maybe I can just become one with the waves and melt down into a puddle of salt water to join my friends in our endless sweeping of the shore. But. Obviously didn't. Bc salt water can't blog.
Then time to hit the showers and head home.
Stopped at the Indian casino to try an get lucky. And I was getting lucky. Then I got cocky and lost all that shit. Felt used and abused. Casino raped me. Need a shower. Then we paid too much for the buffet. We had to wait out a storm. And I ate half my weight in shrimp. Nom. I wanna get back to the casino and get my free play back. Damn you. Getting me addicted to gambling. Maybe Daniel can get money bags to come too and spot me a fifty. Or something.
Oliver starts kindergarten in the morning. Which is probably why I'm up at midnight blogging. I'm freaking out. Just a tad. Alreadyhad to take a lorazepam earlier when I was packing his backpack. Can feel another anxious moment coming on now. Should take another but I've already medicated for bedtime. I think ambien, meletonin, Prozac, AND lorazepam may be one too many. But seriously. My baby is growing up. Sure sometimes he's an asshole who gets on my nerves but ever since he's been in part time daycare, he's home with me more often than not. I'm gonna miss him. More me time which will be great. But he's pretty awesome company.
Trying to cut down on our family's alcohol consumption as well. Not fun. Bc I really like being drunk. Like really. Maybe I can limit it to once a week. Plus Daniels a dick when he drinks. So he's not allowed to if I'm home. Mostly for health reasons. But also personal. We fight less when we drink less.
Or at least that's what the theory was. But now I'm wondering if it was just the beach made it all better. Bc we got along better this weekend than we have in months. Repairing our relationship. I thought great, eliminate alcohol and I can go back to loving him and not wanting to also stab him a little. But then we got home. And he was just as douchey as when we left. Is there a drug in the water supply here? That just makes you become an asshole? No I don know what the fix can be. Back to square 1.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
First we sat in the waves. IN the waves in our chairs. For a few hours. Then went to a Jason Mraz concert. An old couple in front of us tried to get it on with another Old couple. I really did not sign up for old people orgy. It was nauseating. I like to sit and make fun of people, and make no mistake, the fedora population the Way it was, there was an abundance of material. Haven't been to a good concert in a while. I freaking loved it. It was good for my soul. After the concert we went to get some food. Why there is no food after 11pm in that town i do not know. So 10 miles later we got to IHOP.
Everything Daniel said, the server couldn't understand. So i dared him to tell her that he was Russian. Which he DID. His little pansy ass didnt chicken out. In a seriously southern accent apoligized saying "Sorry my english isnt so good. Im from Russia" as southern as can be. She just kind of looked at him like 'Why are u telling me this?' said "oh ok" and walked away. How retarded. And as i said before, sober.
Then the next day was another day on the beach. Burned my feet on the deck. Deck? Dock? Dick? Whatever. Then back into the waves. Got some good seashells. Didn't die when I went in the water to "swim" the waves always try to kill me. But not this time. I just tried to soak in the sea. Thinking maybe I can just become one with the waves and melt down into a puddle of salt water to join my friends in our endless sweeping of the shore. But. Obviously didn't. Bc salt water can't blog.
Then time to hit the showers and head home.
Stopped at the Indian casino to try an get lucky. And I was getting lucky. Then I got cocky and lost all that shit. Felt used and abused. Casino raped me. Need a shower. Then we paid too much for the buffet. We had to wait out a storm. And I ate half my weight in shrimp. Nom. I wanna get back to the casino and get my free play back. Damn you. Getting me addicted to gambling. Maybe Daniel can get money bags to come too and spot me a fifty. Or something.
Oliver starts kindergarten in the morning. Which is probably why I'm up at midnight blogging. I'm freaking out. Just a tad. Alreadyhad to take a lorazepam earlier when I was packing his backpack. Can feel another anxious moment coming on now. Should take another but I've already medicated for bedtime. I think ambien, meletonin, Prozac, AND lorazepam may be one too many. But seriously. My baby is growing up. Sure sometimes he's an asshole who gets on my nerves but ever since he's been in part time daycare, he's home with me more often than not. I'm gonna miss him. More me time which will be great. But he's pretty awesome company.
Trying to cut down on our family's alcohol consumption as well. Not fun. Bc I really like being drunk. Like really. Maybe I can limit it to once a week. Plus Daniels a dick when he drinks. So he's not allowed to if I'm home. Mostly for health reasons. But also personal. We fight less when we drink less.
Or at least that's what the theory was. But now I'm wondering if it was just the beach made it all better. Bc we got along better this weekend than we have in months. Repairing our relationship. I thought great, eliminate alcohol and I can go back to loving him and not wanting to also stab him a little. But then we got home. And he was just as douchey as when we left. Is there a drug in the water supply here? That just makes you become an asshole? No I don know what the fix can be. Back to square 1.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, June 29, 2012
Nipples and apparently butts
My nipples are literally centimeters from reaching open air.
I'm writing a blog
And watching "Louie" funny stuff.
I mopped today. The whole house. Well no. I didn't mop Daniels gay room, bc let's face it, the moo couldnt handle that amount of asshole induced jizz. But the rest of the non semen covered house got the special treatment. I mixed floor wax and floor cleaner. Hence special treatment. Dunno if the chemical combine is why my head feels so fuzzy. But the floor sure does shine.
Louie is a good show. It's like real life. Makes u a little uncomfortable but u know your supposed to enjoy it but don't want to but then end up enjoying it anyway bc it's so irritably funny. Meant to say irresistibly funny. But irritably funny works too.
I feel like I need to start documenting my drunken escapades. Granted they're with my husband, but my asshole is sore, and I was apparently ok with it, and in real life, in real not ambien/alcohol induced life it's very sore and my sphincter is not ok with it.
That's right. That paragraph was about unwanted anal sex. And for future reference. No. No. I will shoot shit into your dick and you will have to pee it out the next time u try to enter in an exit only territory. You will have to pee shit out of your urethra if u go in the Backdoor. Your call.
Why is this whole blog about butt sex?
If I end it now, this will forever remain the blog I wrote about butt sex. Anal penetration.
But
But
I had more to say. Like I'm getting a sore throat and stuff, ah fuck it. Anal sex blog.
Butt blog
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, June 23, 2012
So maybe
I drink.
Maybe
If maybe meant absolute without a doubt def... Then MAYBE.
But when I take ambien I know I say some shit
I say shit when I drink and take ambien but don't remember saying it. Some of it, can't even remember what context it was in. Or how the conversation even started. So maybe I'll blog a bit. While I'm in this state. So I can read it sober. Maybe I'll get some of my inner most inspirations or desires or grumps out. Who knows
Currently on the toilet. It's the tannins. U know.
That pic up there is a little "pushing out a squishy one" and a little "chewing on a popcorn kernel" and a whole lotta "this smell is assaulting my nose"
Daniel laughed at me. I knew he spies on me while I poop.
Hold. Gonna take a pic of sneaky freaker
Sorry. Got diatracted by trying to figure out
My hair for tomorrow. I straightened it tonight. But it's kinda greasy so it'll prob have to be up. Not that anyone will care. Maybe the gay one will say something like "nice hair" (he's gay, but not so original)
I spelt original wrong initially and made me think I should be doing origami. That shit is cool. I used to be able to make a bad ass swan. Bet I could make a zombie swan. Hell yea.
Why am I obsessed with zombies? Like the zombie apocolypse would kick so much ass EXCEPT we have no real weaponry. No machetes. No swords, not even a real hard core ax! We could go after them with a weed whacker. Fuck with shotty tools like that we'll be eating faces in no time. Simeon needs to get on that. D
Dear Santa:
I want to be prepared for the zombie apocolypse.
Popcorn kernels are still stuck in my teeth.
Does everyone's thoughts bounce around as much as mine? Bc I think I may be crazy. Like a schizo or something. Bc my mind is everywhere. Psych ward here I come.
That's all for now. Gonna go research this critical care class. And helicopter safety. Shhh.
Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Maybe
If maybe meant absolute without a doubt def... Then MAYBE.
But when I take ambien I know I say some shit
I say shit when I drink and take ambien but don't remember saying it. Some of it, can't even remember what context it was in. Or how the conversation even started. So maybe I'll blog a bit. While I'm in this state. So I can read it sober. Maybe I'll get some of my inner most inspirations or desires or grumps out. Who knows
Currently on the toilet. It's the tannins. U know.
That pic up there is a little "pushing out a squishy one" and a little "chewing on a popcorn kernel" and a whole lotta "this smell is assaulting my nose"
Daniel laughed at me. I knew he spies on me while I poop.
Hold. Gonna take a pic of sneaky freaker
Sorry. Got diatracted by trying to figure out
My hair for tomorrow. I straightened it tonight. But it's kinda greasy so it'll prob have to be up. Not that anyone will care. Maybe the gay one will say something like "nice hair" (he's gay, but not so original)
I spelt original wrong initially and made me think I should be doing origami. That shit is cool. I used to be able to make a bad ass swan. Bet I could make a zombie swan. Hell yea.
Why am I obsessed with zombies? Like the zombie apocolypse would kick so much ass EXCEPT we have no real weaponry. No machetes. No swords, not even a real hard core ax! We could go after them with a weed whacker. Fuck with shotty tools like that we'll be eating faces in no time. Simeon needs to get on that. D
Dear Santa:
I want to be prepared for the zombie apocolypse.
Popcorn kernels are still stuck in my teeth.
Does everyone's thoughts bounce around as much as mine? Bc I think I may be crazy. Like a schizo or something. Bc my mind is everywhere. Psych ward here I come.
That's all for now. Gonna go research this critical care class. And helicopter safety. Shhh.
Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
10 reasons to live
BlOOOOOOOOOg
Want into my inner most thoughts? Prbably not, but read on anyway. I'm gonna number them. I'm watching the BIg C season 3 episode 2
1. My face feels funny. Kinda numb, I wanna slap it. In a mashonistic manner. Fucking damn google or bloodspot or whatever didn't recognize that what I meant was the -- person who hurts themselves because it feels good)) or whatever websster says.
Anyway, I think I'll slap myself bc it'll be gooooood
2. How mch wine have I had. I really like wine. even thigh this whine kinda tasted like fucking armpits. like gross tuskegee armpits. VOMIT-FEST!!!!!
3. I AM nodding. without even meaning to. UM. Ambien, 6 glasses of wine, an ambien, and prozac. I deserve to nod
4. Wish, If Only, One day, Soon, Maybe, If Only
5. Number 4 is the story of my godmann life
6. Daniel reminds me of the husband of the BIG C. reminds me bc he's so ridiculously nice. I mean if my husnabd was an asshole, well he wouldn't be my husband. but still. U know. UGH. I wish he'd be more of who he is with ought being an asshole to me and. Oh fuck lost my chop chop train of thought. Chug a chug aaaaaa.
7. These aren't counting down or nothing. just thought I could come up with 10 before I FELL asleep.
8. Diluted my glass enough to that I only really have 1/4 of a fucking glass of wine left. but too drunk to stay awake for the rest of it/
9. push some balls up against your too sexy foopa panties and fuciing die
10. HOW come 10 is the number that you go to.
FUCK
GO SLEEPY TOWN
Want into my inner most thoughts? Prbably not, but read on anyway. I'm gonna number them. I'm watching the BIg C season 3 episode 2
1. My face feels funny. Kinda numb, I wanna slap it. In a mashonistic manner. Fucking damn google or bloodspot or whatever didn't recognize that what I meant was the -- person who hurts themselves because it feels good)) or whatever websster says.
Anyway, I think I'll slap myself bc it'll be gooooood
2. How mch wine have I had. I really like wine. even thigh this whine kinda tasted like fucking armpits. like gross tuskegee armpits. VOMIT-FEST!!!!!
3. I AM nodding. without even meaning to. UM. Ambien, 6 glasses of wine, an ambien, and prozac. I deserve to nod
4. Wish, If Only, One day, Soon, Maybe, If Only
5. Number 4 is the story of my godmann life
6. Daniel reminds me of the husband of the BIG C. reminds me bc he's so ridiculously nice. I mean if my husnabd was an asshole, well he wouldn't be my husband. but still. U know. UGH. I wish he'd be more of who he is with ought being an asshole to me and. Oh fuck lost my chop chop train of thought. Chug a chug aaaaaa.
7. These aren't counting down or nothing. just thought I could come up with 10 before I FELL asleep.
8. Diluted my glass enough to that I only really have 1/4 of a fucking glass of wine left. but too drunk to stay awake for the rest of it/
9. push some balls up against your too sexy foopa panties and fuciing die
10. HOW come 10 is the number that you go to.
FUCK
GO SLEEPY TOWN
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)