Most depressing blog ever

You may not wanna read. This isn't touchy feely or sweet or funny or anything like that.

This is the blog of a person who is severely depressed. Whining about life. Blah blah blah. Stop reading now, I just need to write it down before it eats me alive.


How long is a relationship supposed to last. How long is it supposed to be good. Am I just kidding myself and thinking this is how everyone's life is? Is everyone who is with someone miserable? Does it have an expiration date? Can u push thru the expiration date? All these old people celebrating 20-30-40-50 year anniversaries, how many of those decades have they been unhappy. How many times have they wanted to give up. Is everyone just pretending to be happy? Bc if so then I am right on track for a long marriage. Maybe things will get better. I don't know. But I'm not giving up. I'm not. But how depressed can one person get before the depression gets said person. How much can a person take. How do u turn it around. How do u stop hating yourself and him.
Can things ever go back to when it was just sex and flowers and romantic backseat make out sessions? When I got such dry chapped lips bc we couldnt stop kissing eachother. Will that kind of love ever come back? Or is this just the evolution of a relationship.


I'm in actual physical pain at this point. These questions and those similar are giving me GI problems. Chest pains. My body feels as exhausted as I do
Mentally. How much more can I take. How do I dig out of this hole of misery and pain.
How can he love me. But hate me so fervently at the exact same moment.
I am desperate for love but despise the thought of his kiss.

Can u love someone and hate them at the same time? Sure. Can u be married to someone you love and hate? And who loves and hates you? I don't know that. I mean. I am. But how long till it makes us explode.

The little things about you that drive me
Crazy. The little things about me that drive you crazy. How much more can this relationship take.
I feel like we're just barely struggling every day. And I dont know what to do to fix it.

I don't like to be vulnerable. I'm tough. Always have been. Don't show weakness. Especially now don't show weakness. All this self doubt self hatred consuming my every thought. Why would I show that. "Tell me how you feel"
"fine. I feel fine"
When that's a bold faced lie.
But I'll never tell. Bc I'm too tough.

Doing more things that I regret more
Often. Am I acting out? Why am I acting out? Am I trying to ind an escape from this relationship? Somewhere maybe iny subconscious maybe. But no. An escape from this relationship would kill me. So then what. What's the
Reason
Why do I do these stupid things. So I can
Feel guilty and shitty. Self destructive much?
Just wanna
Roll over and cease to exist. Not kill myself. No. Just as though it never
Happened. As if I never happened. Go back in time and not be conceived.

I want to not be.




Again. Sorry of u read the whole thing. It was more
Just for
My Benefit.


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