Nipples and apparently butts

My nipples are literally centimeters from reaching open air.

I'm writing a blog

And watching "Louie" funny stuff.

I mopped today. The whole house. Well no. I didn't mop Daniels gay room, bc let's face it, the moo couldnt handle that amount of asshole induced jizz. But the rest of the non semen covered house got the special treatment. I mixed floor wax and floor cleaner. Hence special treatment. Dunno if the chemical combine is why my head feels so fuzzy. But the floor sure does shine.

Louie is a good show. It's like real life. Makes u a little uncomfortable but u know your supposed to enjoy it but don't want to but then end up enjoying it anyway bc it's so irritably funny. Meant to say irresistibly funny. But irritably funny works too.

I feel like I need to start documenting my drunken escapades. Granted they're with my husband, but my asshole is sore, and I was apparently ok with it, and in real life, in real not ambien/alcohol induced life it's very sore and my sphincter is not ok with it.
That's right. That paragraph was about unwanted anal sex. And for future reference. No. No. I will shoot shit into your dick and you will have to pee it out the next time u try to enter in an exit only territory. You will have to pee shit out of your urethra if u go in the Backdoor. Your call.

Why is this whole blog about butt sex?

If I end it now, this will forever remain the blog I wrote about butt sex. Anal penetration.

But

But

I had more to say. Like I'm getting a sore throat and stuff, ah fuck it. Anal sex blog.
Butt blog



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

So maybe

I drink.
Maybe

If maybe meant absolute without a doubt def... Then MAYBE.

But when I take ambien I know I say some shit

I say shit when I drink and take ambien but don't remember saying it. Some of it, can't even remember what context it was in. Or how the conversation even started. So maybe I'll blog a bit. While I'm in this state. So I can read it sober. Maybe I'll get some of my inner most inspirations or desires or grumps out. Who knows

Currently on the toilet. It's the tannins. U know.


That pic up there is a little "pushing out a squishy one" and a little "chewing on a popcorn kernel" and a whole lotta "this smell is assaulting my nose"

Daniel laughed at me. I knew he spies on me while I poop.

Hold. Gonna take a pic of sneaky freaker











Sorry. Got diatracted by trying to figure out
My hair for tomorrow. I straightened it tonight. But it's kinda greasy so it'll prob have to be up. Not that anyone will care. Maybe the gay one will say something like "nice hair" (he's gay, but not so original)

I spelt original wrong initially and made me think I should be doing origami. That shit is cool. I used to be able to make a bad ass swan. Bet I could make a zombie swan. Hell yea.

Why am I obsessed with zombies? Like the zombie apocolypse would kick so much ass EXCEPT we have no real weaponry. No machetes. No swords, not even a real hard core ax! We could go after them with a weed whacker. Fuck with shotty tools like that we'll be eating faces in no time. Simeon needs to get on that. D



Dear Santa:
I want to be prepared for the zombie apocolypse.

Popcorn kernels are still stuck in my teeth.

Does everyone's thoughts bounce around as much as mine? Bc I think I may be crazy. Like a schizo or something. Bc my mind is everywhere. Psych ward here I come.
That's all for now. Gonna go research this critical care class. And helicopter safety. Shhh.



Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

10 reasons to live

BlOOOOOOOOOg

Want into my inner most thoughts? Prbably not,  but read on anyway.  I'm gonna number them.  I'm watching the BIg C season 3 episode 2

1. My face feels funny.  Kinda numb,  I wanna slap it.  In a mashonistic manner.  Fucking damn google or bloodspot or whatever didn't recognize that what I meant was the -- person who hurts themselves because it feels good)) or whatever websster says.
Anyway,  I think I'll slap myself  bc it'll be gooooood
2.  How mch wine have I had.  I really like wine.  even thigh this whine kinda tasted like fucking armpits.  like gross tuskegee armpits.  VOMIT-FEST!!!!!
3.  I AM nodding. without even meaning to.  UM.  Ambien, 6 glasses of wine, an ambien, and prozac. I deserve to nod
4.  Wish, If Only, One day, Soon, Maybe, If Only
5.  Number 4 is the story of my godmann life
6. Daniel reminds me of the husband of the BIG C. reminds me bc he's so ridiculously nice.  I mean if my husnabd was an asshole, well he wouldn't be my husband.  but still.  U know.  UGH. I wish he'd be more of who he is with ought being an asshole to me and. Oh fuck lost my chop chop train of thought.  Chug a chug aaaaaa.
7. These aren't counting down or nothing.  just thought I could come up with 10 before I FELL asleep.
8.   Diluted my glass enough to  that I only really have 1/4 of a fucking glass of wine left.  but too drunk to stay awake for the rest of it/
9.  push some balls up against your too sexy foopa panties and fuciing die

10.  HOW come 10 is the number that you go to.

FUCK

GO SLEEPY TOWN

Tips for no tip.

Don't wanna have sex? Here are some fool proof ways to make your partner so completely turned off, they turn around go to the bathroom and have a good fap session.

Women
15. Talk about your asshole. In detail. Words like no-wiper, hairy, raw from a giant spicy dump. That kind of stuff. Sharts.
14. Comment that something smells like catfish. Which is weird bc there is no fish anywhere around. Wonder what it could be.
13. Don't shave. Anything. Your embarrassing mustache coming in. Bring it. Don't shave your legs or arms. Especially not your v. Make comments about how long it's been since you've shaved, who knows what could be living in there at this point. I wonder if you could even get thru the jungle that's all matted together.
12. Talk about how fiiiiiine Channing Tatum is. Or Robert Downey Jr. Mmm. This is funny bc then you can watch your man try to mimic either the behavior and style of them. ie: shaving that goatee down to look like Tony Stark. maybe if I look like iron man she'll think I can fuck like iron man no. Unlikely friend. Only iron man can fuck like fucking iron man.
11. Don't shower for a couple days. When asked about it say your trying to figure out your natural scent so you can bottle it and sell it and call it. 'Amazingness'
10. Talk shit about his mom. Bc chances are even though she really is a psychotic dope head he still gets offended when u call her a psychotic dope head.
9. Fall asleep. Easy enough. If your asleep your not fucking. Well you may be. In dreamland. But it'll be your choice of who, how long, what position, what planet, and your dog doesn't have to be watching from the foot of the bed.
8. Eat some of his least favorite food right before bed. OR eat something he's highly allergic to. That'll do it too. "oh sorry, you wanted to bang? I just really had a hankering for shrimp. Why did I shove some in my vagina? Well I wanted to get the whole experience. See you wouldn't know bc your allergic but that's actually how u eat shrimp. That's how real sea food lovers eat it."
7. Take a gigantic loud watery dump right before bed. With the door open preferably. When you come out say something like "that hurt so bad I was weeping in there" then hobble to the bed and lay on your stomach. Maybe add another sad "ow"
6. Give some completely off the wall disturbing reason. "I've really been thinking a lot about my dad lately. I know that usually puts me in the mood but not tonight." that'll leave him so freaked out his pecker will practically turn itself inside out.
5. Set the bedroom on fire
4. Say you've lost your birth control and all the condoms. In the fire.
3. Talk about how much you want a baby.
2. Say your on your period.
1. Chop off his penis.

Men
15. Ask her why she didn't do laundry
14. Tell her she needs to pick her dirty clothes up off the floor
13. Tell her she's wrong
12. Pull your dick out start floppin it around in the middle of her favorite movie
11. Poop with the door open
10. Ask for a foot massage
9. Make her fill her own gas tank up.
8. Stick up for your retarded hippie mother.
7. Play video games all night then come to bed at 2 am roll over and say "you wanna?"
6. Talk on your video game headset. Ever.
5. Make a face when the dinner she cooked was less than delicious.
4. Forget something she old you to get at the store.
3. Wink at her
2. Press it against her leg
1. Try and be sexy.

Foolproof. I'm telling you. Do these things and you'll be a born again virgin in no time.

Till next time bitches.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone